Yesterday it became clear which wolf in my heart I was going to feed: the vengeful, angry one or the compassionate, loving one. In the old Native American story, the wise man replies to the supplicant's question,"which one will win"-  "the one you feed"..

Your appraisal of me was unjust, assigning responsibility for your "personal" loss. I am withdrawing from what never has been to begin with, emotional entanglement that I had no wish to participate in- friendship and intellectual stimulation was the sum of my intention.

In the past year, exactly give and take a month, I endeavored  consciously to heal, to resurrect love in my damaged heart and find joy again in whatever form the universe would send  my way. It took un-glamorous discipline and hard work, and as you know, I am pretty good at that.

 I have spent the last 13 years in agony, defeat, misery, crushing pain, abandoning the true me, my ebullience, creative energy and passion-filled identity, while watching my married life come apart piece by piece, my partner tearing up his soul and our family, and focusing on just holding on to that raft of survival. Survival is an  ugly battle, inherent of scarcity and unbalance, and now that I had survived, it was time for revision: one more go, hopefully this time with better equipment to weather the rapids of life. This is my truth and unfortunately, not your scenario. This is where I am coming from and not where we are heading. I do not have any energy left in me until I close my eyes for good, to spend one more iota of emotion that is restrictive, painful and "less than".

If this feels like the coward's way of a parting shot, take heart, it is not.
I clear my head and chest when I publicly state what you did not hear or were not able to last night.

I will feed the white wolf.